Financial Services Division
What
can we do for you? We're glad you asked. The Church, of course,
provides a method by which you may make charitable contributions
at any time.
Most people of privilege find that this assists them in salving
their consciences about being materialist,
consumerist members of a de-sensitised first world society still
living off the backs of helplessly
financially entangled and strangled third world societies. In a
stressful modern world, this is not a
function to be taken lightly. Significant donors (£100,000 plus)
will have the added benefit of the
Church's free and confidential advice on how to maximise tax
"avoidance" and how to utilise such donations in
the interests of minimising such inconveniences as audit trails.
Looking for Tax havens?
In
addition to the donations facility, the Church is happy to act as
a fundholder for major investors. The
Church has a range of offshore accounts available to serious
savers. Need money "laundering"? In
common with other great churches, the CofEQ is happy to handle
funds which you yourself know are
above board but which various governments or agencies may wish to
be a nuisance about.
Discretion?
It
is common knowledge that the Church is the very soul of
discretion, and has ways of
urging discretion upon others.
Church Shareholdings
The
simplest way of taking advantage of Church financial expertise is
to purchase non-voting shares.
Many independent sources in the "City of London" (particularly
Greedier Associates) will assure
investors of the long term stability and profitability of CofEQ
shares.
Individual Financial Services
What
about the CofEQ Credit Card? You will never be short of funds or
prestige with this valuable
appendage. What's more, donations to the Church are greatly
facilitated. Pensions and insurance
schemes are available, with Last Testament service thrown in at
no extra cost.
Franchises
Recently,
the FSD has introduced franchises to the Church. Many parts of
the world have yet to be
graced with a CofEQ functionary. If you are looking for a sound
business opportunity as well as spiritual
well-being, why not ask about CofEQ "Distance Learning"
and "Authorised Franchise Schemes". Initial
investments start at £100 for Lay Preacher status, ranging to a
full Bishopric for from £100,000 (depending
upon region and exclusive catchment area). Prices include distance
learning packages which can lead to
full theological Degrees issued by the Convenience
University of Panama. For more information, do not
hesitate to contact us, in the first instance, via email.